Through the looking glass

I remember in my youth being obsessed with make believe treasure maps and fairytales filled with people I desperately wanted to be. 
Cinderella was too....squeaky clean.
Sleeping Beauty was too....defeated
Snow White....frankly was a whore.

I never fit into a fairytale.  I never fit into the stories of happy endings and easy routes.  There were no singing bunnies or fairy Godmothers to help me on my journey, no knights in shining armor to whisk me away, and certainly no castle to live in at the end of the book.  There was just me.  This little blue eyed girl with a world outside herself entirely too big for the place that I grew up. 

I've never had it easy.  No...I'm not complaining.  I'm just wondering why I always had to be the one to have the world placed on her shoulders and expected to strive up mountains while carrying this gigantic load.  I know that God will never give us anything we cannot handle, but damn He must of thought I was the next Ghandi because I had a shit ton on my plate.  Most people that know me are absolutely shocked to find out that I am only 19 years old.  I have very contradicting personality traits....I'm brazen yet subdued inside myself.  I am so brutally honest I've led people to tears...yet I constantly lie to myself.  I'm this over exuberant bubbly person with this huge elephant sitting on my soul.

It took me a long time to actually look myself in the face and be okay with who I am.  After this hellacious breakup with this "relationship" I had, it took me an even longer time to get BACK to that person that I was.  I hated myself for a long time because I felt chained to this alter-ego.  This little mousy, inhibited, HERMIT of a girl that I aboslutely LOATHED.  Who the hell was this girl and why in God's name was she invading my body?  I finally realized after four absolutely.....terrifying years....that this girl was not who I wanted to be.  After a long while and many many liver killing, brain numbing, heart shattering, tear soaking months....I finally kicked that chick's ass to the curb.

I'm finding who I am again.  And to be honest...it's much harder than living with the "entity,"  The people that I love so very dearly and the best friends I could ever have...seem to have moved on a lot without me.  I mean, I can understand that considering I was practically a shell and a 'missing person' for four years....but it's still a little disheartening.  I've never needed a security blanket...and I'm perfectly capable, willing, and able to do this all on my own but DAMNIT for once I do NOT want to have to carry this elephant alone. 

It's hard living a lie.  It's even harder trying to fix it.

Never give up.  You're worth much more than what you give yourself credit for.

Peace, love, and jelly-rolls.
MissMeredith.