It's times like these...

...when silence means everything.

I could stare at you for hours, no matter how creepy that sounds.
I jump at the sight of you or the mention of your name.
The silence kills me.  I always wonder what you're thinking.
I'm vain enough to hope I'm running through your mind.

See, I've got this problem.  I used to play this game with the big leagues.  The bases were always loaded, every pitcher shaking in their cleats when I came up to bat.  Yes, I'm bragging.  I was a player.  And a DAMN GOOD ONE at that.  There was no challenge I couldn't complete, no boy I couldn't tackle, and no heart that I couldn't tame.

I've always been the free spirit.  I like to spread my wings and fly on my own time, my own way.  I'm the woman you could never win, the heart that you could never cage, the spirit you could never break.

Until I lost.
I was trapped.
I broke.

Then, somewhere between a rock and a hard place, I found a way to pick the lock on the cage.  I began gaining back the freedom I had so long ago surrendered.  This woman I once left behind somehow pieced herself back together from the pile of broken bits.  I lost a big piece of myself in the line of fire.  But the 180 pounds of dead weight I left behind lifted a large part of self-loathing off of my chest.

You see, when you get in a serious relationship when you're so young and vulerable you being to mold with with that person (both like fungus and clay).  Breaking free from that was the hardest, and smartest thing I've ever had to do in my short 19 years of life.  When you break away from someone you've molded with, it's so incredibly hard to find out who YOU are again....without that other piece telling you.

Now that I've been out of the playing field for so long, I've forgotten how I used to be with the male species.  I used to be this badass bombshell of a woman (don't get me wrong, I'm still a badass, and I'm still a big boobed, blue eyed bombshell) but it's like I've forgotten how to use it.  Perhaps in my "old age" I'm looking for something more than just a one-night stand.  Or a strictly sexual attraction.  I need something more than that.  Mainly because I've never had that. 

WHICH brings me to my next point:
So...there's this boy right, haha.
And...well I kind of sort of really think I like him a lot.

But I have no idea what to do anymore.  It's so different this time.  For once in my life, I don't want to use my oozing sex appeal to get what I want.  And FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.  I'm an incredibly intellectual person who would love nothing more than to sit around with a cigarette and a cup of coffee discussing the matters of the universe....but I've never gotten the chance to prove that I know how to do that.  And I want to.  Not only for this boy...but ultimately for myself.


Peace, love, and jelly-rolls.
MissMeredith.