I want to know what love is, I want you to show me.

I went to a wedding on Saturday in this place that was absolutely stunning.  The ceiling was painted a bright green, the floor was acid washed a rusty brown, the walls were brick with this beautiful plaster to break it up.  The outside had geometric shapes with bright blues and metal grasshoppers.  A fountain greeted you at the door.

The sky was a sharp shade of this sapphire blue with whips of the purest white clouds.  The wind didn't howl, the snow was starting to melt....it was simply the most amazing day to have a wedding.

I normally don't like weddings.  In my bitter state I'm left to wonder: "When am I ever going to find that person?"  Then I smack my self a little and remind myself I have years to worry about it.  All in good time.  But this day was different.  My dear cousin Aaron was marrying his perfect match, Ellis.  Really, I have never seen any couple who compliments each other the way they do.  Like they were created specifically for each other, the perfect definition of "soul-mates."

Ellis was breath taking in her gorgeous white dress.  The fabric was soft with lace eyelets.  Very simple, classy, no-fuss, just like Ellis.  You see, this woman is stunning.  She has the shiniest blonde hair, the greenest eyes, and the most heart-warming smile I have ever seen....she RADIATED beauty that day.  

Aaron was dressed in a crisp black tux with a sandy brown vest.  He stood in front of candelabras with ivy dripping down waiting for his soon-to-be.  I'm the person who does not look at the bride coming down the aisle (although it was very hard not to stare at Ellis) but the person who stares at the groom.  The look on his face will tell you everything you need to know about their relationship even if you never had a clue.  And let me tell you...if you could itemize "love"...

It would have been his face.

See, THAT'S what love is.  When you dance with your bride for the first time, slower than the tempo... in your own world, staring at her face while softly singing her the song and meaning EVERY word of it.  When you forget that your highschool buddies and baby brothers are staring at you and you drop every "badass" wall you had and make that moment YOURS.  It was....the most intense moment I had ever seen.  I had to look away for it felt like I was intruding on a little secret that they didn't want anyone else to know.

They don't have gooey love where you feel like you get a cavity every time you look at them.  they don't have the "are you SURE they just got married"? love whenever they act like two people sitting in fancy clothes.  I do believe that they have the PERFECT love where Ellis can be Ellis...and Aaron can be Aaron, and yet they can be Ellis and Aaron without being a burden.  I truly believe that THAT is REAL love.

See, I never knew that.  I mean my parents have to be the most inlove people I have ever seen, but it is because they have the aforementioned love.  I never knew you could be yourself and do your thing without having to ask.  I always had to compromise, to sacrifice, to dissolve who I was to fit into what I thought love was.  It took me a good 4 years to figure out that's not love, that's slavery.  And after awhile, I just couldn't do it anymore.  Now I have this standard.  Because I have SEEN what REAL love is in that moment she floated down that aisle.  

If he doesn't look at you like you're the only one in the room, let him go.

If she doesn't make you feel like you're a man, let her go.

If he doesn't dance like you've heard this song all along, let him go.

If she doesn't tame your heart, let her go.

You have to be yourself.  And then you have to learn to be with someone else.  But if you find that someone, is that not a lesson worth learning?

To Ellis and Aaron Raymond (and the little joy Madison they have created and who I cannot wait to get here), I know you will have all the happiness both of you deserve.  God is going to bless you in SO many ways, it's almost overwhelming yet incredibly exciting to think about.  I love you both very, very dearly and I know your new journey is going to be an exciting, blissful one.

Peace, Love, and jelly-rolls.

MissMeredith.

the smoke in our lights

There's a Marlboro burning in the ashtray by the side of the bed; a table adorned with fragments of a life that has been lived.  The wind is howling outside the thin walls enclosing the room in which there sits a girl staring at a black dresser with the lamplight reflecting off of her red silk bedspread.  

There's snow outside.  Powdered encrusted blades of grass fall short of defiance and surrender to the bone-chilling cold that graces the cells of each piece.  It's a mixed emotion.  Pure, virtuous flakes; a sign of new beginnings.  Frozen. Stuck.  Rock. Hard place.  There's something intensely inviting about the snow.  The softness that graces the fingertips of passerby, floats atop the surface of skin melting into a delicious drop of unscathed promise.

There's the death involved.  It's a killer.  Freezing you to the point of no return, no turning back, no moving forward.  Shoving itself into crystallized lungs making respiration (inspiration) impossible.  It hurts.  Sucking in the razor blades of expiration makes the act of simple functions inhibited.  What else is there to do?  Keep breathing: Face the pain.  Fight the urge: Lose the fight.  Catch 22, double edged sword: "Make your choice," commanding whispers brush eardrums and brain stems.

Fight or flight, there's no way to win.  There will be no Grand Supreme, no jester's court, no middle man.  There will only be you.  Caught between the raging wind and the peaceful calm of freshly fallen snow.  When it all boils down to one man, one passion, one simple self sacrifice: What is left?  Do we buckle under pressure....or thrive through the pain?  Do we give into our pleasures....or ignore our human instinct?  Do we chase after our dreams....or watch them fade into the driven snow?

There's only one choice.  Only one path.  And then there's you.

Pick your poison, baby.  

Bottoms up.

peace, love, and jelly-rolls,

MissMeredith

Going down, and you can see it too.

Start slow dancing in a burning room.

Have you ever loved someone so much it makes your heart beat just a little faster?  This erractic, so far from static, frenzy of a rythym that drives you to the brink of insanity?  There's just something that's so inviting about that smile. That face. Those arms. The slow inhale/exhale of the chest that houses the most precious gift God ever gave you.

A heart.

I don't know what your beliefs are, but I know what mine are.  I believe that God gave us the most beneficial piece of human anatomy right in our core.  A heart is not just some beating organ that makes life sustainable.  The blood does not carry only oxygen and platelets to the other vital organs to keep our body's functional.  The heart is our house.  The place where we hide our deepest secrets, begging someone to tap into it and rip the band-aid off.  It is the dwelling for all emotions: Anger, fear, longing, love, happiness, sadness, devestation.  Our heart is something that is so easily stolen yet so hard to return to it's once pure, so perfect state.

Giving your heart to someone is like giving An alcoholic vodka.  A drug addict a needle.  Something so seemingly needed, but so incredibly destructible.  Then there are times it's like giving a desert rain.  A sad person a smile.  A bird its song.  Something so beautiful and beneficial.  There's never a guarantee that the sweetest thing will happen to the heart.  In fact, most times, it ends in a room set on fire.

We should always be careful who we love.  Everyone deserves to be loved, but not everyone is deserving of YOUR love.  Friends don't count in this...they deserve your love no matter what.  They are the only people who will love you regarless, who accept your flaws, who find you amazing and beautiful and so outstanding that giving your heart to them as easy as flicking a cigarette out of the window.

But then there are THOSE people
The people that hurt you...because they can.
That shatter your spirit.....to find meaning in themselves.
To batter and bruise your soul....because they find theirs more meaningful.

you'll never know who might stumble upon your life.  They come in on angels wings ready to sweep you off of your feet....then drop you like a pancake in the dirt.  When they drop you once, they're going to drop you again. Harder, faster, harder, faster until you feel like you're permanently stuck on the ground.

My mom told me the most amazing advice when I needed it:
When someone you love breaks your heart, a little bit of the love dies.  And you never get it back.

Be careful who you love.  But be even more careful who you fully give that precious gift to.

You're beautiful.

peace, love, and jelly-rolls.
MissMeredith.

It's times like these...

...when silence means everything.

I could stare at you for hours, no matter how creepy that sounds.
I jump at the sight of you or the mention of your name.
The silence kills me.  I always wonder what you're thinking.
I'm vain enough to hope I'm running through your mind.

See, I've got this problem.  I used to play this game with the big leagues.  The bases were always loaded, every pitcher shaking in their cleats when I came up to bat.  Yes, I'm bragging.  I was a player.  And a DAMN GOOD ONE at that.  There was no challenge I couldn't complete, no boy I couldn't tackle, and no heart that I couldn't tame.

I've always been the free spirit.  I like to spread my wings and fly on my own time, my own way.  I'm the woman you could never win, the heart that you could never cage, the spirit you could never break.

Until I lost.
I was trapped.
I broke.

Then, somewhere between a rock and a hard place, I found a way to pick the lock on the cage.  I began gaining back the freedom I had so long ago surrendered.  This woman I once left behind somehow pieced herself back together from the pile of broken bits.  I lost a big piece of myself in the line of fire.  But the 180 pounds of dead weight I left behind lifted a large part of self-loathing off of my chest.

You see, when you get in a serious relationship when you're so young and vulerable you being to mold with with that person (both like fungus and clay).  Breaking free from that was the hardest, and smartest thing I've ever had to do in my short 19 years of life.  When you break away from someone you've molded with, it's so incredibly hard to find out who YOU are again....without that other piece telling you.

Now that I've been out of the playing field for so long, I've forgotten how I used to be with the male species.  I used to be this badass bombshell of a woman (don't get me wrong, I'm still a badass, and I'm still a big boobed, blue eyed bombshell) but it's like I've forgotten how to use it.  Perhaps in my "old age" I'm looking for something more than just a one-night stand.  Or a strictly sexual attraction.  I need something more than that.  Mainly because I've never had that. 

WHICH brings me to my next point:
So...there's this boy right, haha.
And...well I kind of sort of really think I like him a lot.

But I have no idea what to do anymore.  It's so different this time.  For once in my life, I don't want to use my oozing sex appeal to get what I want.  And FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.  I'm an incredibly intellectual person who would love nothing more than to sit around with a cigarette and a cup of coffee discussing the matters of the universe....but I've never gotten the chance to prove that I know how to do that.  And I want to.  Not only for this boy...but ultimately for myself.


Peace, love, and jelly-rolls.
MissMeredith.

I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve

I have a history of taking off my shirt....yea....
I've always been that person.  I show my emotions through every mask I've ever attempted to wear.  My eyes give me away.

See?  From this picture, taken I believe my sophomore year, You can see about 10 things running through my mind.  I've never been able to hide it.  Then again.... I really don't feel like hiding what I'm thinking. 

I don't believe I've ever been the person to "talk shit" on others. Ok that's a lie...I can talk some shit.  And if I do, believe me, I won't deny it when you ask me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm the typical girl who has to vent to my friends about the jackass I encountered BUT I bet by that time I've already said it to your face.  I do have the cunning gift to cut you to the core...but I REFUSE to say something that might DESTORY someones character.  Especially if I know it's not true (even if I LOATHE you).  Some people are just ignorant, you know?  They have nothing better to do than sit there and stir the ol'shit pot because their lives aren't as amazing as they thought they'd be. 

Maybe they married a person because they thought they had to.
Maybe their childhood was full of being ignored and drama
Maybe they just like drama.

Hell I don't know.  All I know is that I truly feel sorry for those that cannot find joy in anything else than keeping my name in their mouth.  Yes, I have royally fucked up many a time in my life.  I know this.  Everyone else knows this.  I have come to terms with this and moved on so my question is: Why Can't You?  I'm not goint to lie, I might call people a "cunt-whore" or a "slutbag" but then again I call my "sometimes working" cell phone that.  I call my car that when the windows don't seal all the way.  I even managed to call my boss a whoreface because she wouldn't listen to me when I was talking.  What I'm trying to say is, don't feel special when I call you a name.  I call everyone a name.  That's just my sense of humor.

I've been the topic of many conversations in my life time.  Mostly for the worse.  I never really understood why, either.  I mean, I'm a strong independent woman who really doesn't care what you say. (Of course everyone cares to a point, but after a while it's just not necessary to worry anymore).  You may think I'm crazy, horrible, lying scum.

I think you're a pathetic excuse for a human being.

My advice for the day:
NEVER censor what you're thinking.  I don't care who you're talking to.  Don't sugarcoat things.  If their ass looks fat in those jeans, if that shirt makes them look chunky, if their make up looks like a prostitutes, TELL THEM.  If you get in an argument with someone unreasonable and you think they're being a douchebag, TELL THEM.  I promise you, they will hate you for a minute, but they will also thank you for it later.  Honesty IS the best policy.  Ok, maybe you don't have to be as brutal as me (I've made many a person cry) but still.  Never hide you're true feelings.  They're the only thing that is YOURS.

Remember, you're beautiful.

Peace, love, and jelly-rolls,
MissMeredith.

But tonight, I'm gonna...

Cry.
I'm going to cry until my head explodes
Until my heart does not feel the painful twinge of breathing
When my ears ring with sadistic satisfaction
Masochistic misery.

Yes, Tonight I'm going to cry.

It's amazing how a few words can make someone feel so insignifcant.  Which is odd for me considering I'm the person who is basically copywrote "the only person who can make you feel something is YOU."


Guess I'm a hypocrite.


People truly don't understand the meaning behind the things they say.  Maybe they didn't mean it negatively.  Maybe it was just the way I took it.  Maybe there was no message or reading between the lines.




But it still hurts.


Sometimes, you just have to break down and feel what you're going to feel.  I've been comatose for such a long time the overwhelming surge of emotions is just too much to take.  See, I'm a bottler.  I bottle things up because I don't know how to talk about my problems.  So they sit there...carbonated. Then something happens and my heart shakes the bottle a little more.  And then every little puff of CO2 comes exploding out like mentos in a diet coke.  I feel as if everytime I open my heart I place a huge burden on others shoulders.  I've had the infamous elephant sitting and pressing on my cardiovascular system for years and it's unbelievably difficult to make him move. 


I've gone leaps and bounds in the past 8 months.  Or I have to believe that I have.  There are just some things that I want to happen that I can't muster up the patience to wait for.  I need something amazing to happen.  Please don't think I'm ungrateful for what I already cherish so closely.  I deeply appreciate the small things in life.  I saw a beautiful sunset yesterday, a big bug-eyed baby, my wonderful friends.  And that means everything to me.  But sometimes I just feel like I am not enough.


School starts tomorrow. 


Peace, love, and jell-rolls.
MissMeredith.

Through the looking glass

I remember in my youth being obsessed with make believe treasure maps and fairytales filled with people I desperately wanted to be. 
Cinderella was too....squeaky clean.
Sleeping Beauty was too....defeated
Snow White....frankly was a whore.

I never fit into a fairytale.  I never fit into the stories of happy endings and easy routes.  There were no singing bunnies or fairy Godmothers to help me on my journey, no knights in shining armor to whisk me away, and certainly no castle to live in at the end of the book.  There was just me.  This little blue eyed girl with a world outside herself entirely too big for the place that I grew up. 

I've never had it easy.  No...I'm not complaining.  I'm just wondering why I always had to be the one to have the world placed on her shoulders and expected to strive up mountains while carrying this gigantic load.  I know that God will never give us anything we cannot handle, but damn He must of thought I was the next Ghandi because I had a shit ton on my plate.  Most people that know me are absolutely shocked to find out that I am only 19 years old.  I have very contradicting personality traits....I'm brazen yet subdued inside myself.  I am so brutally honest I've led people to tears...yet I constantly lie to myself.  I'm this over exuberant bubbly person with this huge elephant sitting on my soul.

It took me a long time to actually look myself in the face and be okay with who I am.  After this hellacious breakup with this "relationship" I had, it took me an even longer time to get BACK to that person that I was.  I hated myself for a long time because I felt chained to this alter-ego.  This little mousy, inhibited, HERMIT of a girl that I aboslutely LOATHED.  Who the hell was this girl and why in God's name was she invading my body?  I finally realized after four absolutely.....terrifying years....that this girl was not who I wanted to be.  After a long while and many many liver killing, brain numbing, heart shattering, tear soaking months....I finally kicked that chick's ass to the curb.

I'm finding who I am again.  And to be honest...it's much harder than living with the "entity,"  The people that I love so very dearly and the best friends I could ever have...seem to have moved on a lot without me.  I mean, I can understand that considering I was practically a shell and a 'missing person' for four years....but it's still a little disheartening.  I've never needed a security blanket...and I'm perfectly capable, willing, and able to do this all on my own but DAMNIT for once I do NOT want to have to carry this elephant alone. 

It's hard living a lie.  It's even harder trying to fix it.

Never give up.  You're worth much more than what you give yourself credit for.

Peace, love, and jelly-rolls.
MissMeredith.